Trauma and sex

Emily Nagoski of the Sex Nerd blog has written a couple of very interesting articles about trauma to private parts after her rather painful experience of an IUD placement. She and the ladies who comment clarify how a trauma such as childbirth can impact sexual response and desire.

These posts are very important, not only for the quality of their content, but because commentary on the issue is rare.Every man considering a relationship with a lady or in a relationship with a lady should read them in order to understand why the lady may be totally put off sex after something traumatic like childbirth. ALSO, I’d hope to hear a little less of male demands the lady try an IUD.

One commenter wrote how her husband actively supported her through all the scary stuff. BLESS that lovely man! I want one like him!  Partners – read that comment please!

Some trauma, such as childbirth is unavoidable, but some such as cosmetic surgery and IUD insertion is chosen. Even Emily, an academic in the area of sex and relationships, did not know how painful and traumatic IUD insertion could be. The article is a good warning to both men and women to consider carefully whether they want to undergo a elective procedure on their private parts. Personally, I’d avoid anything that is non-essential. 

Spare a thought for those that are alone …

I’ve noticed roughly two approaches to the Christmas break – those that are all chirpy and anticipatory and those that are dreading the festive season.

I remarked to Billy that I was likely to have homicidal thoughts if another person mentioned Christmas and he immediately started hiding potential weapons. He’s got a very dry sense of humour ….

People with a good life, their health, family, little children etc all look forward to the holiday and the good times they will have.  They wish everybody a merry Christmas with nary a thought for the distress the festive season causes others. In turn, we hide our distress and wish them back.

I’m quite happy for the solitude – menopause induced fatigue and natural introversion mean not having people around or things I have to do is great. However, others are totally unnerved by it – and yes grown men do shed tears. Still others have unhappy memories – lost relatives, children not in their care, being far from home … Personally, I still grieve the loss of a happy family life.

To those out there that join me in shedding a tear …. try not to think of your loss and find something else absorbing and worthwhile to do.  If you have the energy, volunteer to help others.  

To those that are living their little festive season paradise – try to be kinder to others and spread a little Christmas cheer to those less fortunate. Is there a relative or local person that is all alone? Get on the phone now and invite them over for Christmas dinner!

… and respect the situation of those that would rather forget Christmas exists. Don’t overdo the season’s greetings and PLEASE don’t make things worse through thoughtless selfishness. 

Flowering gum tree buds after some of our copious rain! Soon they will flower ... as I have said before, there are always flowers and always hope ... 

Support and validation are important

At midlife and after we face many challenges across the areas of body image, carreer and health. A major role of a partner (or indeed friend) is to provide support and validation.

Candice (providing clear view for comparison purposes): Are my breasts an equal size? 
Awesome (tersely & slightly distracted): Of course they are! They're perfect!

Often people around us will not notice the changes and improvements we make and we wonder why we bother. Recently I coloured out the silver highlights in my hair. It was a big step because I've never coloured my very long hair and did not want to damage it. Remember I am the long-hair-up-in-a-bun girl in real life. No one noticed except Awesome:

Candice (tentative): Did you notice my hair?
Awesome (sincerely):  Yes I did - it looks nice! I'm sorry I did not mention it earlier - I was too busy dealing with ... (an urgent matter).
Candice: <smile>

It's important to educate your partner about the changes you are experiencing and their possible impacts, as well as their potential role.

Candice (using teacher voice): Now that I am post menopause ....
Awesome (tersely): You can forget being post anything ....

His Awesomeness can be so totally cute and at the same time so very wise. I am very thankful to have him in my life. :-)

There was a brief moment of sunshine during our current monsoonal weather ....

Pray for Billy

Billy my soul-twin is ill with distressing and as yet undiagnosed symptoms. He faces uncomfortable and invasive tests. He finally told me last night after bearing the burden alone for a long time.

I’d noticed he was starting to fade and was unhappy and had thought it was the stock market chaos and other very challenging things in his life leading to stress. Now I think the stress of it all is causing things to go wrong inside him.

Makes my troubles seem small indeed and me so very shallow for worrying him about them!

Please pray for him to find a gentler and happier place in life and for this dreadful medical condition to disappear on its own.

Thank you ……    C :-(